Word of the Gay
*Straight talk on Gay language, one word at-a-time.Archive for Person
#36 “pronoun dance”
Avoiding a subject that you are confused by, or uncomfortable with, is something that most people deal with at some point in their life. However, when dealing with sexual orientation, and/or gender identity and expression, some people find it so difficult that they are unable to use the proper pronouns to describe or refer to someone else. And unfortunately, far too many individuals (in my opinion) use this “pronoun dance” to avoid speaking about someone else’s sexual orientation or gender identity, or to speak about their own open and honestly.
When someone transitions from one gender to another, their family and friends, and extended network of acquaintances, colleagues, etc. can find it confusing and difficult to discuss that person in conversation. For some, discussing someone else’s new identity who has transitioned from one gender to another can be difficult , especially when they were so familiar with their old identity. Remembering to keep names and pronouns straight is a very important thing to be able to do for someone who is trans. However, it’s only a fraction of the trans experience and the complexity of their experience. Due to this, it is not uncommon for some to mistakenly refer to someone using their former identity (either by name or by pronoun); in a worst-case scenario, the use of gender-neutral pronouns are used to avoid the subject.
In other cases, there may be times when someone disguises their sexual orientation through the use of gender-neutral pronouns – in order to keep their sexual orientation private. For instance, for members of the U.S. Armed Forces that are either gay, lesbian, or bisexual, they are forced to keep their personal hidden on a daily basis. That is because the military’s current ban on openly gay, lesbian, and bisexual service members (“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” – a.k.a. DADT) has forced them to keep their sexual orientation and relationships secret. Therefore, many will refer to their partners by first name only if they have a gender-neutral name (i.e. “Chris”, “Pat”, or “Jay”), may even invent a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, and will avoid the use of “her”, “him”, “he”, or “she” altogether.
[pro-nown danse]
-noun
1. in conversation, the process used to avoid the use of gender-specific pronouns; commonly related to anxiety surrounding a third party’s sexual orientation or gender identity
-verb
1. using gender-neutral pronouns when describing another person, based on their sexual orientation and/or gender identity
Related: pronoun dancing
Ex: “Joe led Mary in the pronoun dance when the subject of his sister Julia’s transitioning process came up.”
Ex: “Sgt. Jones used the pronoun dance to avoid talking about his boyfriend with other members of his Army unit.”
[Origin: Most likely American, mid-20th Century.]
#35 “walker”
Throughout history, gay men and straight women have gone together like peanut butter & jelly, peas & carrots, or Cagney & Lacey. The level of intimacy that can be reached between these two individuals can rival even that of the most star-crossed of lovers. Now, couple the needs of an older woman who is either single or in a loveless marriage and has vast resources – with that of a younger, attractive man who’s looking to advance his social standing – and you’ve got sheer magic.
“Walker” describes the man in this equation; a young gay man that provides company for older women for the purposes of keeping her company, giving her advice, and escorting her to social events – in lieu of a husband or boyfriend. A walker will usually accompany a widow or unmarried woman, and act as both company and a sort of handler or aide. Since the woman is usually “of a certain age” the term also has a double-meaning, which refers to a walker, which is a device used to assist with standing and/or walking.
This term should not be confused either “beard” or “frock,” which both describe individuals (bread-female, frock-male) who are romantically linked to either a gay man (beard) or a lesbian (frock) in order to keep their sexual orientation hidden. Walkers are not necessarily in (or out of) the closet.
1. noun: A man (usually younger and gay) who is in a non-sexual relationship with an older woman (usually single or widowed), and serves as her social escort, muse, best friend, artistic expert, or confidante.
Ex: “Isn’t that Ms. Weintraub? I haven’t seen her since her husband passed away last year. It looks like that walker of hers is going to be out with her even more now.”
Ex: “Well, I saw Doris at two different events with her walker, Lawrence, again this week.”
[Origin: Most likely American or European, and used almost exclusively in high society circles.]
[Related: “beard” (female who acts as a closeted gay man’s companion in public); “frock” (male who acts as a closeted lesbian’s companion). Examples: George “Gould” Strong & Edith Bouvier Beale; Jack McFarland & Karen Walker.]
#32 “trade”
It goes without saying that there are a great many words and phrases that relate to casual sexual encounters. “Trade” is one such word. The word originates from Polari (post #22), the now almost entirely defunct gay “slanguage” from The United Kingdom.
“Trade” originally referred to a straight male who was the sexual partner of another man, either gay or bisexual, and quickly came to describe any pair of male sexual partners. Over time, the term has also been commonly attributed to younger or economically-disadvataged man who becomes the sexual partner of another older, or considerably more affluent, man.
Some specific examples of its use relate to men who seek out overtly masculine sexual partners. For instance, some men will seek out service members of the armed forces, who exemplify for them a very masculine example of manhood. These men are referred to as “military trade“, and may or may not be gay.
Currently, and in most cases, the word is used casually to refer to any male sexual partner of another man.
Ex: “I was at my favorite bar again last night, trying to pick up some trade.”, or “Did you see Chris and his trade come out of the club when it closed last night!”
-noun
1. the male sexual partner of another man; depending upon the circumstance may identify as straight, bisexual, or gay; individual may also receive payment after sexual acts are performed
[Related: “hook up”, “MSM” (men who have sex with men), “one night stand”, “rough trade”, “trick”]
#29 “gayby”
“Gayby” is yet another portmanteau word (one that combines two words into one) of the words “gay” and “baby” and refers to the little tykes that are adopted or conceived by a gay, lesbian or LGBT couple.
While this word might not yet have caught on in wider circles, there are already “gaybys” being featured on primetime television, as on the ABC sitcom, “Modern Family“.
1. noun: a child that is adopted into a gay, lesbian or LGBT family or home.
Ex: “Chuck… Larry! Your little Fuschia is just the cutest little gayby I have ever seen!”
[Origin: Most likely American. Related words: “gaydar”, “gaysian”, “gayborhood”, etc.]
#28 “green queen”
Not only does this phrase rhyme (something I love to do), but it describes yours truly. Modern life revolves around the concept of “going green”, and almost every industry is capitalizing off of climate change. From the hybrid car to the bio-degradable multi-surface cleaner, we buy-in to our culture’s immediate response to an enormous problem. And we all experience climate change and the effects of the petrol-chemical industries each day – from hormones, pharmaceuticals and other chemicals that remain in our drinking water, to the incremental changes in temperature across the globe.
The average person will not necessarily be aware of these facts as they go about their daily routine. Because even though there is a lot of noise about climate change, and of devastation and irreversible damage to our natural resources, only certain folks seem to be hearing it. I like to refer to a gay man who is conscious of his day-to-day impact on the environment as a Green Queen.
1. noun: an environmentally-conscious homosexual/gay man.
Ex: “I saw the cutest Green Queen recycling his batteries and cell phone charger at Whole Foods the other day.”
[Origin: Yours truly. Not to be confused with one of many women’s websites that focus one the environmentally-conscious woman’s point of view; see here, here, here, and even here.]
#26 transfag/tryke
In most cases, I am not a particular fan of the words “fag” or “dyke.” But for today’s post, I am bending my own rules to introduce a pair of really interesting terms. Today we are getting two words for the price of one! I think of them as like a yin and yang of transsexual terms. I recently came across “transfag” and “tryke” while doing some internet research for today’s post. It seems as if there are as many ways to classify a person’s sexuality – as there are people. I am constantly intrigued by the ways in which people refer to themselves and others when it relates to sex.
transfag – 1. noun: a person who is both both gay and female-to-male (f-t-m) transsexual. [Related: FTG (female-to-gay). See tryke.]
tryke – 1. noun: a person who is a male-to-female (m-t-f) transsexual and is also a lesbian. [Related: transdyke, female lesbian. See transfag.]
#19 “trick”
“Tricks” are treats for some gay men. The term “trick” is most commonly used by gay men when referring to an anonymous sex partner, or “one-night stand.” This word is popular among young gay men, and in particular, in large metropolitan areas like New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco.
The term was popularized in 1999 with the cult gay film, “Trick” starring Christian Campbell and John Paul (“J.P.”) Pitoc. The film follows an aspiring playwright (Campbell) and a hunky go-go dancer (Pitoc) as they make their way through Manhattan in an attempt to follow-through with a one-night stand.
-noun
1. an anonymous sex partner; usually a gay male.
-verb
1. the act of an anonymous sexual encounter; sometimes resulting in the transfer of money.
Related: one-night stand, tricking, tricks
[Origin: Relating to prostitution, the act of picking up a “john” or being a “trick” looking for a possible sexual partner or “date.”]
#18 “rice queen”
The term “rice queen” refers to a gay man (non-Asian, and most commonly Caucasian), who is explicitly attracted to Asian men. Rice queen originates from “rice” being the staple of most Asian dishes, and “queen” being a popular name used to describe a gay man. This term is used primarily in jest, and can also be considered derogatory. If you live in a large metropolitan area, or have many gay male friends, you probably know at least one rice queen. There may not be scientific data to support it; but rice queens can commonly be found in the following fields: architecture, interior design, graphic design and advertising.
Find out if you are a rice queen, by CLICKING HERE. Or by WATCHING THIS VIDEO courtesy of Youtube.com.
–noun
1. a man who has a particular interest in, or sexual attraction to, Asian men.
2. derogatory or familiar name given to men (non-Asian) that are interested in Asian men.
: “Did you see his new boyfriend? He only dates Asian guys, what a rice queen!”
Related: bean queen, potato queen, refried beans, sticky rice
[Origin: based on rice being a staple of many Asian dishes.]
#16 “fag hag”
“Fag hag” is a term near and dear to this author’s heart. The term “fag hag” relates, most specifically, to a straight woman that associates with, or is very close to, a gay man or men. It is usually used in a derogatory manner, but has been embraced by many women as a positive self-identifying trait. In some circles, being a Fag Hag represents a status symbol among straight women who champion LGBT equality and rights.
As a member of a gay-straight alliance founded by a self-proclaimed hag, I am particularly interested in everything “fag hag.” SWiSH (Straight Women in Support of Homos) is an example of an organization that focuses on the perspective of a “fag hag.”
Poplar stand-up comedienne and satirist, Margaret Cho offered some very entertaining passages about her experience as a self-proclaimed “fag hag” in her 2000 one-woman act, “I’m The One That I Want.” Essentially, behind every gay man is a steadfast and supportive fag hag – a woman that guides gay men from the tumultuous and exciting days of “coming out” into the golden years of gayhood.
-noun
1. a woman who is closely related to, or feels a strong connection to, gay men.
2. a person, male or female (gay or straight) that advocates on the behalf of gay people or is surrounded by all things gay.
[Related: beard, dyke Mike, dyke tyke]
#11 “bottom”
Newton’s third law, the law of Reciprocal Actions, states that: “For every force there is an equal, but opposite, force.” This is one of three basic physical laws he used to describe motion and the basic principals by which we have come to understand the relationships between the forces of nature that act upon the body and the motion of the body itself.
In gay culture, it can be pretty cut-and-dry: for every “top” there is a “bottom.”
“Bottoms” enjoy being on the receiving end of sexual activity and are thought to be the submissive individual in the relationship. In gay male relationships, many straight people often refer to the “wife” of the couple, or the partner who is more feminine or submissive.
-noun
1. an individual who is penetrated, or takes a passive role during sexual activity
2. the perceived submissive individual in a relationship or sexual encounter
3. in the S&M and leather community; an individual who takes a submissive role or “submits” and identifies as a masochist, fem, femme, or slave
-verb
1. the act of taking a submissive role during sexual activity (bottoming, bottoms, bottomed)
-advjective
1. to be submissive or take orders in a given situation
2. “bossy” bottom can refer to an individual who takes a passive role in the sex act, but who has an assertive or dominant personality
:”I am a Bottom.”
:”I am interested in guys who want to bottom.”
#10 “top”
Navigating the sexual playing field is a bit more complicated for gay people than our straight counterparts. We have to define our sexual roles in different ways due to the fact that our sexual partners have the same set of “equipment” as we do. Inserting tab “A” into slot “B” does not apply. So, we make use of slots “C” and “D” quite a bit more – and it’s oh, so fun!
In gay culture, the term “top” refers to people who are the dominant, or active person in the sack.
-noun
1. an individual who penetrates, or takes an active role during sexual activity
2. the perceived dominant individual in a relationship or sexual encounter
3. in the S&M and leather community; an individual who takes a dominant role or “charge” and identifies as a sadist, dom, domme, or dominatrix
-verb
1. the act of taking an active role during sexual activity (topping, tops, topped)
-advjective
1. to be bossy or take charge in a given situation
:”I am a Top.”
:”I am interested in guys who are strictly into topping.”
Reference: Ramon Johnson has a great entry on his About.com profile dedicated to the different labels gay men assume when describing themselves sexually.
[Synonyms: active partner, active, ass-bandit, back-door man, booty bandit, bugger, butt pirate, dom, domme, dominatrix, giver, master, pitch, pitcher, top man]
#7 “breeder”
“Breeder” is a slang term that gay people use when describing straight people in either a derogatory or humorous manner. It is drawn from animal husbandry; implying that heterosexual sexual contact has more to do with reproduction than anything else.
-noun
1. a derogatory term used to describe straight people in light of their ability to reproduce
: “Look at this place. It used to be so cool, and now it’s filled with a bunch of breeders.”
#6 “gurrrl”
“What’d she say?! Well let me tell you…”
Some gay men use the word “gurrrl” as a way to reiterate something that they have just said. Or rather, as either an exclamation on its own, or as a way to address someone (usually another gay man). It is best received when shouted or said with a gravelly and/or affected accent. It has been co-opted by mainstream society as a way of stereotyping perceived gay or African-American speech patterns.
Example:
“Gurrrl, I sure am hungry!!!”
– pronoun
1. referring to a male or female acquaintance or peer
2. used to address someone in a frank, sarcastic or humorous manner
– interjection
1. an exclamation used to address a peer in a dramatic or humorous manner
2. a phrase used to add extra emphasis
[Origin: Closely associated with and accredited to African-American and gay slang of the 1990s.]
Related:
1. riot grrrl: A grassroots third wave feminist movement deeply connected to the punk rock scene in the early to mid 1990’s. Mostly youth-oriented, riot grrrl was neither an organization or a specific thought, but instead thrived on non-hierarchal “chapters” set up across America and parts of Europe connecting mostly young women with music, a thriving “zine” scene, and direct political action. (courtesy of: urbandictionary.com)
#3 “bear”
Contrary to popular belief (and to the advertising departments of today’s popular gay lifestyle magazines), gay men are not all six feet tall with chiseled features, six-packs, and underwear modeling careers. In fact, most gay men do not look like this and come in many shapes, colors, and sizes. Men who identify as “bears” are one of the many colors in the gay-leidoscope.
The “bear” is so-named for his bear-like appearance. He is usually burly or heavy-set, with a hairy body and some form of facial hair. They may also give the impression of being blue-collar or working-class. The concept of being a “bear” has gone through many permutations in recent decades, with debate about what it means, exactly, to be a bear. They are usually gay or bisexual men, but transgender men have also been known to identify with bear communities.
Since the late-eighties and early-nineties, there has been a lot of growth in the bear community. Bears are closely related to the leather and S&M scenes in many communities, and there are many bears who consider themselves “leather-bears.”
[Origin: San Francisco during the 1980s; as an outgrowth of the gay biker and leather communities. Created by men who felt excluded from mainstream gay culture and the “twink” ideal that it purported. Richard Bulger and Chris Nelson founded Bear Magazine in San Francisco in 1987. Their company, Brush Creek Media, trademarked the name “Bear” for a men’s magazine in 1991.]
Today, the bear culture has permeated through the post-modern, cultural watershed with this fantastic blog.
#2 “twink”
Pretty, young fit gay men with blond hair seem to have it all, don’t they? An active sex life, the attention of many other gay men, and a busy social life. In gay society, men who look like this are called “twinks.” Commonly, the term is used to describe someone who is either in their late teens or early twenties, or at least appears to be.
The term was initially used to describe attractive, young, gay Caucasian men who have very little or no body hair and a lean build. Initially, the term also only referred to blonds, but has grown to be inclusive of other young men whose physical features closely match those described above, but are not blond or even Caucasian.
“Twink” can be used in a insulting manner and is commonly modified to be more descriptive, such as: femme twink, butch twink, jock twink, etc. As such, the term has become widely popular in the gay porn industry and is used when defining genres of film.
[Origin: Most likely makes reference to the Hostess Twinkie; the yellow, cream-filled, cylindrical snack cake.]
#1 “Mary”
Gay guys love addressing each other through the use of a female name. “Mary” is their favorite. If you hear a gay using a female name to address another man, he probably thinks that the other is: a) effeminate, b) outlandish, or c) both.
–noun
1. a feminine name used as a substitute for a gay man’s given name, used with affection, ridicule, or familiarity by another gay man
2. a popular greeting or salutation used by gay men to address other gay men they believe to be more effeminate.
: “Hey Mary, how’s it going?
: “Calm down, Mary!”
[Origin: unknown; may be attributed to the popular American actress Mary Tyler Moore.]
Word of the Gay 
